Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!! Take some time to do whatever you want because you deserve it (I think Mother's Day should be mothers week but who am I?) I'd like to specially thank my first born who made me a mother and gave me that purpose I was so desperately searching for. Love to all
A few months back my husband and I had a heated disagreement in front of our children. The actual subject matter was pretty trivial but we both got heated pretty quickly. I admit it was not my best day as a parent and was probably the most angered disagreement we have had in months, if not longer. The worst part of the whole thing was seeing my 4 year olds reaction. He was crying, and definitely afraid and upset at what was going on. My husband and I just saw red and couldn’t stop in the heat of everything. We were in the midst of getting ready to go out so I scooped up my kid and took him out to the car. Just leaving the scene made me check back into his state and I realized how bad it was. I talked to him about what had just happened and I apologized and told him that I was wrong, so wrong. He did get calm fairly quickly but nothing could shake how I felt the rest of the day and even the day after. I was so wrong to let things get out of control like that and I knew it was one of my worst days as a parent.
I have been practicing so hard on trying to not let my patience or anger get the best of me, but some days it’s just hard to keep that all in. I’ve told my husband I need help, but I guess it’s really hard to talk someone down when you are pissed yourself. The thing is I do have a temper and I know it’s a problem, or at least now I know it’s a problem. Before I had kids, I never really thought of it as a big issue, but now, it is for obvious reasons. Trying to keep those emotions in check is so difficult, it’s like rewiring your brain. I’ve been reacting like this all my life and now I have to find it in me to stop and change and it’s been a challenge. I have tried the whole counting to 10, I have tried to even stop and remove myself physically, I have tried to take deep breaths, heck I have even stopped to count the pictures on the wall, I have tried everything but in that moment I cannot control my feelings. I am like a volcano that has laid dormant for ages and is now ready to purge, there is nothing that can be done, that stuff is coming up.
The worst part is my children are innocent victims in the whole thing. They don’t deserve that. This can be some real damaging stuff. And when all is said and done, the fights aren’t worth anything. What am I gaining? To be the most obnoxious loud mouth mother to walk the planet? The girl that can zing insults that cut to the core? The chick that curses like it’s her last breath? I hate me when it’s over, I am wrong and all I want to do is undo whatever I just did and the guilt eats at me parasitically.
So I am sending out this to the world because I have to think I am not the only one dealing with this issue. I need to know I am not the only one and if there is anyone with any sound advice please share it, I am desperate to make a fix to this (did I mention I called a hypnotist? Turns out that stuff doesn’t work if you can’t turn off your mind, ugh.) Please send and share, anything could help. #mamaonthemend #mamatempertantrums #mamaneedsatimeoutstat
Top ten best feelings a mom has in an average day
10) relief when all kids are asleep
9) grateful when bellies are full
8) content when kids are playing peacefully
7) comfort when taking off a bra at the end of a very long day
6) joy when they share anything about how their day is going/how they are feeling
5) proud when they use any kind of manners (no matter how small)
4) lucky when you are able to get any few minutes to yourself (even going to the bathroom alone counts here!)
3) bliss when you can finally lay down at the end of the day and rest your head
2) elation when they hug you, your spouse or a sibling all on their own
1) warm and fuzzy when you hear that perfect giggle
Chicken avocado soup is a pinterest win in my book!! It's so light and full of flavor!! Get the recipe here: http://www.mamamiss.com/2013/03/27/eats-chicken-avocado-soup/
I made a few modifications because I didn't have everything the recipe called for-- instead of green onions I used regular onions and instead of regular tomatoes I used canned diced tomatoes. I also boil my chicken instead of grilled because in my experience it's easier to shred chicken that way. Enjoy!
What recipes are you making to keep warm in this so called "blizzard?!"
I came into work Monday morning and was given sad news about a co-worker’s husband passing on new year’s day.
As some of you may know, I have only been at this job since the end of October, so I don’t really know this co-worker very well, but it struck me pretty hard. Mostly because this woman is so friendly, so happy, so warm, I just would have never known that her husband was quietly battling cancer at home. Immediately, I thought of the following quote: “be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” I thought it was perfectly suitable. We pass by our co-workers, neighbors, people at the supermarket and sometimes we don’t even stop for a moment to think about that passerby. More often than not we are aggravated that they are talking their time strolling through the aisles or frustratingly messing with the copier and slowing down our day. We assume the smile is for real, we don’t think otherwise. It’s not until something happens that stops us dead in our tracks that maybe we think about that person for more than a few seconds. We are all trying our bests to shield ourselves to the world. If the cover is there, then we are safe. Some of us have been taught to put on that brave face and move forward, dare we inconvenience others with our emotions. I know I am guilty of it. The moment emotion gets the best of me in places I feel like its not acceptable I am saying sorry before even completing the emotion. Why are showing these feelings so wrong? This co-worker is going to come back to work at some point and face the world, she is going to want to put on that brave face but she should know that she shouldn’t have to. Why do we have to feel like its immediate to distract with work? Wouldn’t it make sense to go through the pain instead of around it?
Whenever I am a passenger in a car driving through a neighborhood I can’t help but look at each house and wonder what it would be like to live in that house? What is going on in that particular house? Are those people happy? Are they having struggles that seem never ending? Are they ok? What would life be like if I wasn’t who I am? Our house is a cover just like our face and just like our clothes. Sometimes if we distract enough with our exterior no one will need to poke through or peel back the armor. But wouldn’t it be interesting if we could see it all, would there be a level of sympathy that is so desperately needed in this world? Especially because all we do is filter, filter, filter. We filter our pictures we share with the world and in turn we filter who we are. Are these the walls we have created for protection? If I can filter myself then I can avoid the judgments and rejections we are all so afraid of.
Maybe I am just looking for a more sympatric, less judgmental world for my children to grow up in, I don’t know. This is just a simple rant of a unconscious streaming. Maybe I should just quit while I am ahead and hope that we take moments to really ask if someone is ok, to try to not get frustrated by someone else who is simply going about their day, to try to be more us, less filtered, to try to be more truthful. Is it possible to be more like friends and less like enemies?
As I approach my 1 year anniversary of starting my blog I have definitely learned a lot about myself through the process.
I’ve learned that I really am an open book. I always knew this, but being an open book on paper (or the pages of a website) is so different than just being an open book in life through conversations. Once you share online, you REALLY share. There is no turning back, if it’s out there, it is out there forever for people to examine, judge or commiserate. I’ve always found that being open and honest draws people to me and allows people to feel comfortable sharing things with me and from my perspective I’ve always loved this. I see this even more so with comments from the blogs I have shared. Someone can always relate on some level. That’s what drives me to write and share. I love that we can all relate to something, we can all have that common interest or shared experience which bonds people together. I originally started writing for myself, but now I feel like I write because I want to hear back and I want to feel like hey, I am not the only one out there struggling to be a parent, struggling to be a wife, a friend, a daughter. The minute I hit submit on my blog entry I typically always cringe and go back and forth about deleting it. I always worry that I have said to much, embarrassed my husband, or worse embarrassed myself. I try to push through and hope that there is a response, and then and only then can I breath a sigh of relief.
I’ve learned that more than ever writing is my true passion and is I need to continue to make it a priority in any way that my life allows, whether it be continuing to blog or pursuing my ultimate dream of writing a book. My life is so busy, I often can’t find the time to make a phone call, send an email, or even sort laundry, but really in the big picture that is no excuse not to cultivate your dream. Sometimes you only have 5 minutes, but that 5 minutes is important and I need to constantly remind myself that. I’ve finally made the connection that I feel the most free in life when I am taking pen to pad (or keyboard to blog entry). I find myself not holding back, I find myself being able to express freely and accurately and I find myself to be the most confident me. Being a confident me in the real world does not come easy. I have to be honest, In a room full of people, I can’t help but to feel like the consummate outsider (despite the open door policy if you will). I feel like whatever I am wearing is wrong, my hair is too big, and my outfit makes me look fat, I aim too hard to please and think I am way funnier than I am or try to be. I sip on the alcohol way too much to cover up the feeling that everything about me is wrong, but surprisingly when I write, I am the person I wish to be. Despite being extremely nervous about putting things out there, I feel like the way I write describes everything I feel perfectly. My writing is a total contraction in the best way possible. I am open and up front about how I feel, what I am experiencing, but I am nervous to put it out there, but confident about how it comes out in the end. When all is said and done, the best me is right here in these words. (as you can see I am not against clichés, think what you want).
I have learned that I need to start prioritizing what is important to myself and my family. I have always been a yes person, it’s just my nature not to reject someone’s request no matter what it is. In blogging, I have realized what is important to me and what needs to fall off the shelf (hey trying to make my own clichés here!) In reviewing the topics I have covered over this year I have learned there has been a lot of expression from me as to what I need as a person to function in this world as best as I can, anywhere from finding that much needed alone time to the time I need to grieve the loss of my father. Getting these issues addressed makes me a better me and that makes for better everything (I am the nucleus to this beautiful storm of a family!)
And in closing I have learned that my family and I do really embody a beautiful storm. We are twisty and dark and chaotic at times, but just when you think it can’t get any more crazy, we pop to a rainbow or float along like beautiful puffy, full clouds. The clouds that look like the most white cotton candy you could taste. We are purple and pink, we are blue and grey, we are thunder, we are lightening and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I wouldn’t trade the rain, I wouldn’t trade the wind. I love our beautiful storm and we are exactly where we should be.
Happy anniversary you crazy storm. I hope to keep you growing stronger than ever.
As I sit here at my computer, root touch up dye soaking my hair at 7 pm on Thanksgiving eve, it has never been clearer how things have changed for me. Years prior I would be showering and mentally planning my hair, make up and outfit for my favorite bar night of the year. I would be itching to get out and would have anxiety pains in my tummy over who I would bump into that night. I saw it as a night to get exceedingly hammered because I knew my hangover would be met by a carb addict's frienzy of mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey and a piece of every desert that blessed the table. Thanksgiving for me was all about well, me, and at the time, I was ok with it, I was more than ok with it. I was happy, and thankful. Thankful to my friends that joined in on the Thanksgiving eve fun, I was thankful to my straightener that allowed my normally wavy hair to be sleek and straight, I was thankful to my younger brothers who generously served as designated drivers to the mere tune of a 20 spot, I was thankful to my family for not starting the next day fesitivies till roughly 2pm allowing maximum sleep for hangover cure and I was thankful to Marlboro, because I loved having a quick smoke after a nice shot of SoCo and Lime. Those many Thanksgiving eve night's were a 20 something's dream. I was a cardigan wearing, (so what it's 30 degrees, the real crime here would be having to drag a winter coat around all night bar hopping) hooker booted, trouble maker and I lived it and breathed it. And honestly, I wouldn't trade it for anything because, well, because it was a damn good time and because I am now able to appreciate what my Thanksgiving eve's have become. They are about making sure my boys are in the most adorable, coordinating outfits (not matching mind you, coordinating, much like Sonny goes with Cher and John goes with Yoko, or for the younger generation, how Taylor Swift goes with her cat, Meredith), carefully selecting a recipe so I can bring something new to share , looking forward to spending the day with family (not just looking forward to the food), it's about reflecting on my family, on what we are blessed with and what we have come through, what has made us stronger, and what has changed us for the better.
For me, I would never say how I spent one Thanksgiving Eve was better than the other, I needed to experience them both. To recogonize that both, are pretty kick ass in their own ways.
I am thankful for so much, but today I am thankful for Thanksgiving Eves. The crazy, fun, up to 4am, laughing, drinking, dance fulled Thanksgiving Eves of my 20's and the laid back, PJ wearing, movie by the fire Thanksgiving Eves of my 30's. So in closing, here is to Thanksgiving Eve's, I salute you!
When I was not married and living alone I cherished my alone time. It was literally a requirement to keep me sane. Can I tell you what I did during my alone time? Not much, sleep, eat, watch any kind
of bad television without judgment, cuddle with my anti-social dog (guess the apple didn’t fall far there), not work out, and overall be as lazy as I damn well pleased. It was just quality time me, myself and I. Did I really appreciate it? No, because I never thought of my life in any other way. Often times, I would get lonely, so then I would sleep more, or I would get bored so then I would eat more. So yes, I would say that it wasn’t always the best for me because the need for it, or the perceived need for it, would keep me unmotivated.
Then I had my first child and with a wave of the mommy wand my alone time disappeared. I didn’t really feel it right then though because when they are itty bitty there is a lot of sleeping so I felt at
times physically alone and that itch was scratched. It wasn’t like he was going to wake up and suddenly say to me, “really? More chips?!” Also, since he was the first grandchild our families were fighting for that kid, so again, I was able to attain some quality time, even if it was going to the grocery store. But my need, my ache, for me time wasn’t strong, wasn’t throbbing and didn’t feel that
sadness that something was really missing.
Then I decided to have another child. Like I stated before, when he was small and I was home for maternity leave I could drop off my preschooler and then it was just the usual change, feed, sleep
routine. I could watch “Scandal” reruns without thinking I was scaring this kid for life. He would easily sleep 45 minutes, enough time for a snack and to curb my reality tv addiction. Now he is a 1 year old near toddler getting into literally everything, and I am not kidding, his favorite pastime is picking
through the garbage can or finding miniscule specs on the carpet to eat. Between him and my 4 year who is very much into claiming his toys as territory over his brother and in general doing anything possible to gain attention at all times, its fair to say that relaxation and alone time aren’t just out the window, it is down the street at the corner convenience store smoking e-cigs. When I sit on
the floor with them they both just circle me round and round like a carousel alternating between claiming their space on my lap. When it’s meal time, I am literally back and forth between the two of them making sure they are eating. My 1 year old storing every bite in his cheeks and then trying to swallow everything at once while choking and my 4 year busily moving pieces around in an attempt to look like he has had a bite. I have one who eats everything in sight and one that is on the hunger strike plan. My head is usually in circles and then my husband wonders why I give him the evil eye while he is helping himself to his second serving (it’s not his fault though, they only will perform for
mommy, though this doesn’t make it any easier!) During bath time, it’s a mad dash to get them covered in soap suds and washed without someone slipping and nearing total bath time injury. When one is on the john pooping one is inevitably squirming his butt away from the cold diaper wipes. I can barely get one butt wiped before the other, mind you I haven’t peed for hours on end. To say its busy having two little ones is the understatement of the century.
When I do find myself child free for a spare few moments I am running to Wal-Mart to get toilet paper or off to the pharmacy to get my husband’s cholesterol medication. I’m off to have lunch with
friends or to get a work out class in. Very rarely does it dawn on me to slow down, take a breath and just be. I have to admit the longing for those alone moments has been pretty strong lately. I find myself missing it so much it’s 2 parts hurt and 1 part guilt. Hurt because I feel like I am missing out on being connected to myself in a spiritual and mentally clear state and guilt because I feel like I am a mom and I shouldn’t need so much for myself. The mantra in my head lately has been, “I need a break, I need a break,”but you can’t quite say to anyone, “hey can you watch my kids for an hour so I can just freaking be?” The assumption is it I have down time, I should always, always be with my
children. If I am not at work, I should be with my children and if I am not with my children I should be filling those time slots with the other areas of my life in serious neglect.
Surprisingly I had 2 open times slots recently that allowed for some brief and needed alone time. These slots just happened to occur because I was due somewhere and had a little extra time prior
and nothing to do. Once happened to be last Thursday. I was meeting some old co-workers for drinks (ok I get that this sounds like a break, but in truth to me a break is being alone) and they could not be there until 4 and I had gotten out of work at 3. I went to a coffee shop down the street and got a cup of tea and sat on the seat the closest to the street. Most people alone anywhere have a book or phone in their hands, appearing as though you are never really alone if a task is in front of your face. Instead I left it in my purse and watched the street traffic. Cars, people, it didn’t matter, I was just in heaven with the fact that I could just sit there and people watch. I guess to a degree I am starved of it. I had just such peace sitting there. No email needed to be sent, no text responded, no little hand pulling on my shirt, no mess to be cleaned up. Just a quiet little moment of clarity. When I realized this was all I needed in my life right now, I was basically in wonderment of how much things have changed for me and how much I have valued my own personal time now. How I don’t even need something electronic in my hand while being alone. It was just nice to have a peaceful mind.
Now I know what you are thinking. I am complaining and I should be blessed to have healthy, happy rug rats of my own. That so many people are struggling with having children and I should be lucky to
have what I have and I get it and I agree. Maybe I am complaining and maybe I am being selfish, but I am ok with that. This is what I need to function and I don’t think it’s doing anyone any justice by doing a comparison. What one mom might need could be starkly different from what I need. Being a mom has for certain taught me to really believe in the old cliché about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Yes I do everything in my power to be the best mom I can be, but I have realized if I am not treating myself well, I just can’t be that mom that they need. That maybe it is about saying “listen, I freaking need a break.” A nurse from the hospital called me about a month after my second son was born to check how or if I was dealing with post pardem depression. I couldn’t really answer her, but she did give me a great piece of advice and it was “the best way to keep away the post pardem depression or blues is to carve out an hour every single day for yourself away from the kids.” That
could mean going for a walk, taking a drive to listen to music, calling a friend to vent, whatever it may be, it’s just time for you. I wish I could find that time every day, but even every week would definitely suffice. And in the end it’s a lesson learned, we need what we need when we need it, and its ok to not
have to apologize for that and it doesn’t make you a bad mom for wanting that. It makes you a good mom for actually realizing it.
On August 30th we invited everyone we know and love for our son’s joint birthday party. As you know my 4 year old requested a Berenstain Bears theme which really put my creativity to the test, but I will get to that later. I knew I was going to have a lot of planning on my hands so I did as much as
possible ahead of time. This is our 3rd time hosting a party of this scale and by this time, I got a few things down pat. I also wanted this year to go as seamless as possible so I decided to order food
rather than making everything or having my husband stand at the grill the entire day. It was a bit more money, but it was worth keeping our sanity and at the end of the day, I think we spent roughly $100.00 more on the food than we would have if we cooked ourselves. We also decided to rent tables and chairs so we wouldn’t be calling everyone and there mother to borrow their tables and chairs (we
invited 60 people) and this proved to be a smart move as well because we organized the lay out the night before.
I also decided I wanted to make balloon garland and I was able to do that the day before. The balloons I got were from Party City for about $9.00 (think there were about 50 balloons in the package) and I used twine from Michael’s that was about $3.00. I also bought a balloon pump from the Dollar Store for $1.00 and got to work. The hardest part was keeping the twine from getting tangled but as you can see it turned out really cute and I made a pattern with the colors instead of going the haphazard way.
BERENSTAIN BEARS GARLAND:
I was unsure about the main force of decorations that I wanted to do for the overall feel of the party, so I was able to take to Pinterest and find an idea basically about additional garland. I asked a family member who worked at the library to color copy Berenstain Bear book pages. She did the printing both front and back. I used a serrated scissor and cut multiple squares into the pages. I hole punched two holes in the tops of each square and then stringed them through with more twine. Again something I did way in advance. This cost nothing since I had an insider at the library and
had already bought the necessary twine for the balloon garland. I didn’t really know where I was going with this garland, but I made 3 very, very long garlands so I would have plenty to work with when I started decorating. My family member also give me some extra full sheets of regular sized paper with some book covers which ended up coming in handy when I started to think about the execution of decorations for the day off.
BOOK COVERED FOAM RECTANGLES:
I wanted to use the BB garland on the two main tables, the photo table and the food table. I got wooden dowels again from Michael’s- 6 dowels for 2 or 3 dollars and I also got green foam rectangles from Michael’s for about 3 or 4 dollars. I covered the foam rectangles with the full sheet of BB covers like I was wrapping a birthday gift (actually my mom helped with this, and was very nice and neat, something I am absolutely not good at). We put the dowels into the BB covered foam rectangles and strung the BB garland from one to the next in the length of the two tables. Then! Alas! A foil in the
plan! The foam rectangles could not hold up the garland and the dowels. We tossed around multiple ideas to make it work and in retrospect I think I might have used sand filled mason jars to hold the dowels up, but at this point the day before I couldn’t fathom going out again and starting over (down side to the mason jars was if someone bumped into the table it could become quite a spill!).
So we decided we would have to tape the rectangles to the tablecloths. Basically we taped them down and pulled tape from the rectangles to the bottoms of the tables. Yes it wasn’t the greatest look I was going for, but it got the job done! I also strung the BB garland in front of the two tables for another cute look. I also lined the tables our guest were sitting at with the BB garland on 2 tables and rainbow streamer on the other 2 tables for a unique look.
HONEY POT CENTERPIECES & BEEHIVE PINATA:
For the table centerpieces I had to get creative as well. I was able to find little brown buckets from Michael’s that were about 5 bucks each (I purchased 5) and used foam colorful letters to put on
the buckets that said “HONEY” (ya know bears eat honey, ok I stole the idea from a little bit of Pooh but I was pulling at straws here!) Then I decided to fill each bucket with yellow popcorn to signify the honey. Some people got it, some not, but I thought it was cute. I put each bucket on top of honeycomb scrap book sheets and decorated with bumble bees and bear foot prints. I attached a helium balloon to each bucket. To further the whole honey/bee theme I also bought a bee hive piñata off Esty.com. It cost about $30. I could have made it but again with keeping with the easy mentality, I just wanted to leave that effort to someone who knows how to do it.
"WELCOME TO BEAR COUNTRY" SIGN:
My final project was a sign that said, “Welcome to Bear Country.” I bought a flat tree slab with bark edging from Michael’s for around $9.00. The actual title of it is, “walnut hollow® basswood country round®” I also used my foam lettering from Michael’s to spell out the wording. Again I used the bear foot prints to decorate around the sign and purchased a stand and it came out really cute. I put the sign on the photo table and it had a nice touch.
Also, we ordered a “treehouse cake” from ShopRite and I was absolutely ecstatic with how it turned
out!! The top part of the tree were cupcakes and then went into cake. It was a big hit of the party and only cost $45.00 and fed 45 people with extra. So thrilled with it.
Each year that I do a birthday party I like to display different photos of the various stages. My sister made scrap books for both the kids for their first year of life so I always display those. My mother in law makes a poster collage that basically shows 12 different pictures from that year as well, so I display those. I also pick out pictures that I have displayed around my house and I put my wedding album because we got married on my first son’s actual first birthday. I just think displaying photos and albums has an extra touch and I love showing them off.
Also as an extra surprise for my hubby, I decided to finally change my last name from my maiden name to his and my boy’s last name. We have been married 3 years and I have been holding
tight to my maiden name (1. Because I love it and 2. My dad passed away and has only daughters, so I was concerned of that name not carrying on and 3. My husband’s sister happens to be Jessica as well so we would have had the same name, but she got married almost a year ago so I couldn’t really use that excuse anymore.) but I know my husband really wanted me to change it, though he would
only make jokes about it. So towards the end of the party, I gave him a card and put “p.s. I am officially a ______” His reaction was so genuine that I knew I had made the right decision. I
have given him many gifts in the 8 years we have been together, but I have never seen him that happy before in terms of reacting to gifts. My friend caught the happy moment on video, see below.
In terms of decorations for the party, I was definitely satisfied with how everything turned out. I realized that creating the theme and executing it was a lot of fun for me, but damn was it a lot of work, but at the end of the day, my kids were thrilled and that is really all that matters and if they come up with another obscure theme going forward I know what I am in for.
Also, please enjoy this collage on my 4 year old. I cannot believe I actually HAVE a 4 year old. Blessed
to put it mildly!
My little guy will be 1 year old on Friday and I can’t say I am 100% ready for it. This year has just gone by so fast I can barely remember the feelings I had when I held him so close and cuddled him to sleep. When I was pregnant with my first child, seasoned parents would say things like “it goes by
quick” and I just assumed that was one of those standard phrases people use much like “whatever is meant to be will be” or “everything happens for a reason.” But nope, they were right on the money there. it’s a blink and before you know it he went from rolling over to walking.
He was born at 10:12 am via c- section. My pregnancy was easy from start to finish. I knew at 20 weeks he was bigger than average, but no one could have prepared me when they told me he was 10 pounds, 1 ounce, I about near fell off the gurney and would have if I wasn’t strapped to it. That evening the nurse told me the other moms kept asking, “Who’s the 14 pound blonde baby?” He was more like a 3 monther than a newborn, but to me there was just extra of him to love. I immediately called him chubberz and it took. My little not so little guy now tells me “done” when he is full from food and “more” when he is ready for his next bite. His favorite thing to say is “dada” and he whispers
every time he wants a “ba”which means bottle. I was so nervous about having another child but he has fit into our world effortlessly. When he holds on and hugs me it feels so natural. Like he has been there all along. He loves to spontaneously grab onto his big brother and give hugs. When we ask for kisses, he opens his mouth so wide and leaves a loving, little puddle on your face, this might be something only a mother could love but I do, I love those open mouthed kisses. He loves to follow his brother around everywhere. Big brother is everything. He growls all the time. This little growl/grunt to let you know he’s there and when I growl back he reciprocates. He’s done this since 5 months old. When he’s frustrated he squeals in this high pitch. Hard to take seriously but he means business. But the best part of all is he knows I am his mommy, we have a bond like no other. I know what he is thinking and I inevitably know his next move, just like I do with my almost 4 year old. I can predict everything they do and every reaction. This is something truly special only reserved for mommy’s.
Knowing the inside of my kid’s hearts is like knowing my own. It’s a shock that they aren’t still physically attached to me because what they feel, I certainly feel too.
I never thought I would be this sappy mother who feels the warm and fuzzies when they both climb onto my lap and I wrap both my arms around them. I never thought I would find such peace when they fall asleep on me. I never thought I would exuberantly snap pictures when the two of them are together, but I do, I do it all. While I find the next stage of their lives exciting I also find it to be a bit sad. Moving to another stage is a signal of change, and well, let’s just say that has never been easy for me. I get scared about what is around the corner sometimes, I get scared because I wonder if we have it too good and that means something not good could follow. My childhood was such a series of
serious ups and downs and I just want nothing like that for my two beautiful, perfect, little beings. But I guess being a parent involves risk and that’s what makes it so amazing because the biggest risks can often lead to the biggest and most beautiful outcomes.
So here we are faced with my chubby cherub turning 1. Another big smack in the face of the change to come. Turning 1 is one of their biggest accomplishments so far and I am greeting it, but by greeting I mean lingering in the background instead of rushing up with a high five. I sometimes feel I am
just not ready for his life to fly by while I hold onto the “oh shit”bar. I want to keep him little forever. I want to keep him safe forever. Letting go is a big part of parenting, but I am just not ready to let go of letting go yet.
In any case, my best way to embrace what is to come is to start by throwing a Berenstain Bears themed 1st birthday party. It’s actually a joint party for both my 1 year old and my 4 year old and my 4 year old was adamant that he wanted a Berenstain Bear’s theme (“no we can’t do‘Planes?’ No we can’t do ‘Curious George?’” Ok, this should be interesting!). As scared as I am for what is to come, I will definitely find total joy in celebrating the lives of these two trouble makers. I have every reason to celebrate, they made me a Mom, yes, a neurotic, controlling, worry wart, but a Mom at that, and that ain’t bad.