The night prior, I started going through the bags, boxes and totes of clothing I have, I pulled out a few special items. My oldest's first Christmas outfit, a Beatles bib, the outfit they came home from the hospital, the smallest leather jacket ever received, but I couldn't find one special winter suit. I put everything aside and hoped I could find it in the morning.
I got up early to prepare, but I didn't even really expect anyone to come. This was a shot in the dark. More than anything, I would get some good exercise and a day in the sun (really I should say the heat, it was at least 93 degrees).
I started organizing the clothes, You would be surprised how much clothing I had acquired. Every bag and box I opened. No suit. I was started to get worried that I either had accidentally got rid of it or I would see some stranger walking away with it. I even snapped at my husband when he told me to stop organizing the clothing and to let people go through it on their own. I almost broke down and told him I was afraid I wouldn't find this suit and I wouldn't be ok without it. Finally, there it was, I immediately grabbed it and brought it straight to my face. This brown snow suit with little antlers on the head and Rudolf type of design on the chest. It had a lot of purpose to me, To us. My dad wasn't great at Christmas. He would buy gifts and lose them, or forget to get me something all together, but this Christmas he stood next to me as I opened this present, he couldn't wait to see my reaction, I gave him one, I couldn't help it, it was literally the cutest thing I had ever received. I really cherished it and both my kids wore it. I felt such comfort at this moment about making the move to allow someone else to receive the items and have them be of use to others. These items were so special to me because they were the items that both my baby's had their first moments at home in, their first meal in, their first jump in, their first giggle in. They are etched in time in these moments, but these items are in the background. They aren't the moments, but they are part of the picture in my head forever.
So I had to get over the fact that my basinet went to a aging and blind poodle for car rides and I had to get over the fact that a woman called my very well taken care of walker, dirty. They don't know how important these things are to me. But why keep them? It's not like I have them opened up and out around the house to look at everyday. They are just taking space in closets and garages when they could be used for other babies or in this case other dogs.
To me its doesn't mean that I have closed the shop on my uterus forever and I think in the past I have always saw it that way. Should the day come when I am in a better place to decide that, I am ok with it and maybe if I decide I need to go out and get those things I will stroll along to a garage sale and look at someone else's gently used items and try to kindly give a price thinking about the beautiful memories that mom had in those things.