Fighting? When it is never worth it.
A few months back my husband and I had a heated disagreement in front of our children. The actual subject matter was pretty trivial but we both got heated pretty quickly. I admit it was not my best day as a parent and was probably the most angered disagreement we have had in months, if not longer. The worst part of the whole thing was seeing my 4 year olds reaction. He was crying, and definitely afraid and upset at what was going on. My husband and I just saw red and couldn’t stop in the heat of everything. We were in the midst of getting ready to go out so I scooped up my kid and took him out to the car. Just leaving the scene made me check back into his state and I realized how bad it was. I talked to him about what had just happened and I apologized and told him that I was wrong, so wrong. He did get calm fairly quickly but nothing could shake how I felt the rest of the day and even the day after. I was so wrong to let things get out of control like that and I knew it was one of my worst days as a parent.
I have been practicing so hard on trying to not let my patience or anger get the best of me, but some days it’s just hard to keep that all in. I’ve told my husband I need help, but I guess it’s really hard to talk someone down when you are pissed yourself. The thing is I do have a temper and I know it’s a problem, or at least now I know it’s a problem. Before I had kids, I never really thought of it as a big issue, but now, it is for obvious reasons. Trying to keep those emotions in check is so difficult, it’s like rewiring your brain. I’ve been reacting like this all my life and now I have to find it in me to stop and change and it’s been a challenge. I have tried the whole counting to 10, I have tried to even stop and remove myself physically, I have tried to take deep breaths, heck I have even stopped to count the pictures on the wall, I have tried everything but in that moment I cannot control my feelings. I am like a volcano that has laid dormant for ages and is now ready to purge, there is nothing that can be done, that stuff is coming up.
The worst part is my children are innocent victims in the whole thing. They don’t deserve that. This can be some real damaging stuff. And when all is said and done, the fights aren’t worth anything. What am I gaining? To be the most obnoxious loud mouth mother to walk the planet? The girl that can zing insults that cut to the core? The chick that curses like it’s her last breath? I hate me when it’s over, I am wrong and all I want to do is undo whatever I just did and the guilt eats at me parasitically.
So I am sending out this to the world because I have to think I am not the only one dealing with this issue. I need to know I am not the only one and if there is anyone with any sound advice please share it, I am desperate to make a fix to this (did I mention I called a hypnotist? Turns out that stuff doesn’t work if you can’t turn off your mind, ugh.) Please send and share, anything could help. #mamaonthemend #mamatempertantrums #mamaneedsatimeoutstat