I’ve learned that I really am an open book. I always knew this, but being an open book on paper (or the pages of a website) is so different than just being an open book in life through conversations. Once you share online, you REALLY share. There is no turning back, if it’s out there, it is out there forever for people to examine, judge or commiserate. I’ve always found that being open and honest draws people to me and allows people to feel comfortable sharing things with me and from my perspective I’ve always loved this. I see this even more so with comments from the blogs I have shared. Someone can always relate on some level. That’s what drives me to write and share. I love that we can all relate to something, we can all have that common interest or shared experience which bonds people together. I originally started writing for myself, but now I feel like I write because I want to hear back and I want to feel like hey, I am not the only one out there struggling to be a parent, struggling to be a wife, a friend, a daughter. The minute I hit submit on my blog entry I typically always cringe and go back and forth about deleting it. I always worry that I have said to much, embarrassed my husband, or worse embarrassed myself. I try to push through and hope that there is a response, and then and only then can I breath a sigh of relief.
I’ve learned that more than ever writing is my true passion and is I need to continue to make it a priority in any way that my life allows, whether it be continuing to blog or pursuing my ultimate dream of writing a book. My life is so busy, I often can’t find the time to make a phone call, send an email, or even sort laundry, but really in the big picture that is no excuse not to cultivate your dream. Sometimes you only have 5 minutes, but that 5 minutes is important and I need to constantly remind myself that. I’ve finally made the connection that I feel the most free in life when I am taking pen to pad (or keyboard to blog entry). I find myself not holding back, I find myself being able to express freely and accurately and I find myself to be the most confident me. Being a confident me in the real world does not come easy. I have to be honest, In a room full of people, I can’t help but to feel like the consummate outsider (despite the open door policy if you will). I feel like whatever I am wearing is wrong, my hair is too big, and my outfit makes me look fat, I aim too hard to please and think I am way funnier than I am or try to be. I sip on the alcohol way too much to cover up the feeling that everything about me is wrong, but surprisingly when I write, I am the person I wish to be. Despite being extremely nervous about putting things out there, I feel like the way I write describes everything I feel perfectly. My writing is a total contraction in the best way possible. I am open and up front about how I feel, what I am experiencing, but I am nervous to put it out there, but confident about how it comes out in the end. When all is said and done, the best me is right here in these words. (as you can see I am not against clichés, think what you want).
I have learned that I need to start prioritizing what is important to myself and my family. I have always been a yes person, it’s just my nature not to reject someone’s request no matter what it is. In blogging, I have realized what is important to me and what needs to fall off the shelf (hey trying to make my own clichés here!) In reviewing the topics I have covered over this year I have learned there has been a lot of expression from me as to what I need as a person to function in this world as best as I can, anywhere from finding that much needed alone time to the time I need to grieve the loss of my father. Getting these issues addressed makes me a better me and that makes for better everything (I am the nucleus to this beautiful storm of a family!)
And in closing I have learned that my family and I do really embody a beautiful storm. We are twisty and dark and chaotic at times, but just when you think it can’t get any more crazy, we pop to a rainbow or float along like beautiful puffy, full clouds. The clouds that look like the most white cotton candy you could taste. We are purple and pink, we are blue and grey, we are thunder, we are lightening and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I wouldn’t trade the rain, I wouldn’t trade the wind. I love our beautiful storm and we are exactly where we should be.
Happy anniversary you crazy storm. I hope to keep you growing stronger than ever.