Let me take you back….
It was around February of 2010 and I noticed my normal jeans had gotten tight. I didn’t think much about it because I had just ended being on Jenny Craig for about 3 months and was trying (and failing) to cook good and healthy food on my own. I chocked the additional 5 pounds to getting back to some old habits and not being on the treadmill 24/7. I ran down to Target and purchased a pair of comfy boyfriend jeans and kept it moving. I had been on the birth control patch at that point for roughly 2-3 years. Was I perfect about my birth control? No, but I wasn’t overly concerned either, if my 3rd week patch fell off a day or so before it was due, I didn’t really worry about it. My period even on birth control had always been unpredictable, so it wasn’t odd for me to have a very light period or skip it for a month here or there, so changes like that didn’t really give me cause for too much concern. Even still, I thought, let me just take a pregnancy test just to be sure. I brought the 2 for 1 pack. I took one right away and it came back negative. I waited another two weeks and took another one and again, negative. I moved on from it, I was 27 and my life was going, going, going. I had a decent job and my main focus was hanging out with my friends, my dog, and my non boyfriend boyfriend (and current baby daddy/husband extraordinaire) Dave.
Fast forward to March, I had my annually scheduled gynecologist appointment which included an internal as well as an outside the stomach examination, but NO pregnancy test (in retrospect, I’ve always thought, shouldn’t think be standard?). Following the exam, he said everything looked good and would send my pap smears out, he gave me my prescription for my birth control and sent me on my way (mind you at this point, I was approximately 3 months pregnant.)
A week before my birthday, Dave and I decided to go out to eat, it was a Friday night. I decided to splurge and had a steak and a few margaritas. By the time we got home, I felt so full I could have thrown up. It was a full feeling like I never had. I lifted up my shirt to look at my stomach, I was stunned at how bloated I looked; I turned towards Dave, “does my stomach look weird?” He nodded and I thought ok maybe I should take another pregnancy test. I brushed it off and went to bed. By Sunday, I thought it was time. I took the test, set it on the sink and went to the kitchen to set the timer. Dave was with me. After 3 minutes, I peaked into the bathroom expecting to see the standard negative symbol I had always seen but instead it was positive and I froze in shock. I turned around and Dave saw it on my face. Those moments seemed like an eternity. We were pregnant and we weren’t ready.
About 2 days later, I headed back into the same gynecologist’s office to get more information. The minute he felt my stomach his exact words were, “oh that’s a big uterus!” Fear was all I felt. What the heck did that mean? The sonogram appeared and there it was a face staring back at me. A FREAKIN FACE! Holy god, I was pregnant and I was far along. 18 weeks to be exact. 18 weeks. 18 weeks and I kid you not, with everything that I am, I had no idea that this little seedling had been growing inside of me for 18 weeks. I think Dave was about to faint. I couldn’t help but cry. I felt like my life was flashing before my eyes at top speed. I couldn’t breathe, what the F was I going to do?
Before I could even get out of the there the entire office was congratulating me and handing me prenatal vitamins. I wanted to stop them all, and say these are not happy tears. These are scaredy cat tears, this is pure fear.
I have to admit I wasn’t the girl that dreamed of being a mommy. I never even gave it a second’s thought. I had always decided children were not in my future and it was one of the main reasons why Dave was my non boyfriend boyfriend and not my real boyfriend. For me I just thought there is no way I can handle the responsibility of shaping a mind when I couldn’t even control my own. So I thought, I’ll be the woman with dogs, with a career and great friends, at some point, I’ll travel, I’ll definitely write and all these things will take the place of having children. Case closed no worries. As you might imagine, being pregnant threw me into a total tailspin. Everything was totally off kilter.
I told my friends and my sister and everyone was supportive and everyone thought I could do this. I was wondering who they were talking about? No way was this in the cards for me, no way, was I capable. Everyday I was trying to imagine this life and everyday I wanted no part of it. I had another sonogram scheduled a week later, this one to basically look at every corner of this baby, every organ, even joint, every part.
Then he came up on the screen and very simply yawned. Yea, just a little yawn and it became so human for me in that moment. He yawned I thought, my boy just yawned. I was done for. I was in over my head, and that’s it. He was mine. And again, I saw his face, and it was over. It was the face that changed my destiny. I left the office, sent my friends and sister that face with the text “he’s a keeper.”
The pregnancy journey after that had its ups and downs but it was worth everything. He was born as perfect as can be and it’s my personal opinion he was the one that saved ME, and I do my best to thank him every day.